Felicia Day is one of my heroes

I have been a fan of Felicia for years, my husband bought me her book on cd.  And listening to it, I feel kinship, nostalgia, inspiration and a little lost.  Her upbringing, her anxiety, her neuroticism (is that even a word?)  and I feel like Wow! Someone I could actually relate to.

 

Felicia created something she loved and believed in and she succeeded.  She now runs her own company, gets to hanfeliciag out with Nathan Fillion, Joss Whedon, Wil Wheaton, and inspires people.  She has found her place in the world.  Where she is known, loved and has made a success of her weirdness.  I both love her and am so jealous of her for that.  I love her for it because she is inspiring, and lovely and brilliant and she makes me feel like it’s ok to be different, and maybe I can find that success too.  I am jealous because she knows who she is, she embraces it and people love her for who she is.

 

I am in my 30s and I still don’t have a good grasp on who I am.  I don’t know where I belong.  I’m not witty, funny, brilliant or incredibly likable.  My identity is so wrapped up in my role as mother, wife, and homemaker, I don’t know who I am outside of that.  Don’t get me wrong I truly LOVE being a wife and mother.  It’s my dream job lol.  But I need to find myself.

 

When I was a kid I was bullied terribly for who I was, my likes, my style, my weight, my height, everything about me.  I was incredibly intelligent, when I was tested for the gifted program (for the short while I was in public school)  I was “off the charts” they literally couldn’t track it.  I started homeschooling on and off in the 3rd grade.  We moved literally every year and starting over at a new school sent me spiraling into massive daily panic attacks.  At home I could never talk about myself in a positive way because it was “bragging” or wanting to dress up nice and wear make up I was always told I was so vain.  My family is odd, they are incredibly supportive when they noticed something good about me, but I didn’t you dare say anything good about myself.  I never gained any self esteem, so being bullied at school when I already was low was the reason my mom finally let me homeschool for good from Jr. High on.  From all of that I learned to hide who I was when I was very young.  I buried myself so deep, that girl that I was is gone, so now as I get ready to start my 33rd year on this planet I am determined to find myself.  And embrace who I am.

 

Who are your heroes?